What Fun... NOT!
Jan. 1st, 2002 02:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demarianaWe played dominoes...
Actually it went downhill way before the dominoes, we were just pretending everything was ok. It all started probably at the waffle house the night M&H got here. H made a comment that he knew M would take seriously, then when she got upset, he threatened once again to head back to Louisville because obviously we dont want him around. Honestly when he is acting like a spoiled brat I dont want him around. Once I learned that I dont have to cater to him all the time my life has gotten a whole lot better. I dont have to make sure he is included and happy. That is a lost cause it seems. He has no desire to get better or to get help. He has admitted more than once in the past 3 days that he wants M to leave and come live with us because he is no good, and not worth it, and a horrible person. Everyone close to him dies. He should have never been born. If he hadnt been born then everything in the world would be better. M would be happier if he wasnt around. Just let me die. I am nothing. I can do nothing right. That is his mantra. I am worthless and nothing. Nothing we say can get thru to him. When it starts to maybe get thru he lashes out and push all the right buttons so M attacks back. Nice vicious cycle. He needs severe medical help and he is not willing to go and be honest and get the help he needs. He does not want to be fixed. More than once he has threatened to leave since we obviously dont want him around. That is just another control thing he has. M cant drive, so if he takes the car and leaves she is stranded. He knows that and he uses that card so much. Nice broken record. Anytime someone is upset with him or wants to push him he accuses us of HATING him. We all hate him. If I hated him I would just ignore him and not try to push so hard. M doesnt want to leave him. She cares for him so much. It just tears her up that he WONT try to do anything. He has let his unemployment lapse AGAIN. He has been out of work since Oct, and it took him 2 months to get up the guts with all the pushing to actually get unemployment. His meds have run out more than once, but he doesnt call to get them refilled. She is more his mother than his wife, and it is killing her. It hurts seeing them like they were tonight. His happy have to be the life of the party act wasnt on anymore. He went for the knives and M went and stopped him. He told her he would wait till she was asleep. Thus making sure she wont sleep. Doubtful anyone but him and D will get sleep tonight. He admitted to me that he doesnt want to get help. He wants to just curl up in a hole and die. He wants to kill himself, or have someone else do it for him. I have to realize that until he Decides to get help nothing we can say or do will change that. He is being such a coward. I really thought he had more guts that that. I thought his love for M would push him to not make her feel the ultimate guilt. The guilt of feeling like is she had only done more he would still be alive. I dont think that anymore. He knows that if he dies she will blame herself till she dies and he doesnt care. It doesnt matter to him.
Sometimes I wish I could hate him. I cant. I care about him. I pity him. He has so much good in him that needs the right meds and the right medical help to come out again. He needs straight truth and strong encouragement. Something I dont have the experience to give. He needs good coping mechanisms so his MPD and his 'blank outs' are not the only thing he knows. How to get thru to him though? How to make him actually tell the doctors what is going on? How to make him get out of bed and live? M has been trying for years now. It hasnt been working, and she really doesnt know any other way. They just go thru the same hoops every other day. Making sure to use those triggers to hurt each other.
Actually it went downhill way before the dominoes, we were just pretending everything was ok. It all started probably at the waffle house the night M&H got here. H made a comment that he knew M would take seriously, then when she got upset, he threatened once again to head back to Louisville because obviously we dont want him around. Honestly when he is acting like a spoiled brat I dont want him around. Once I learned that I dont have to cater to him all the time my life has gotten a whole lot better. I dont have to make sure he is included and happy. That is a lost cause it seems. He has no desire to get better or to get help. He has admitted more than once in the past 3 days that he wants M to leave and come live with us because he is no good, and not worth it, and a horrible person. Everyone close to him dies. He should have never been born. If he hadnt been born then everything in the world would be better. M would be happier if he wasnt around. Just let me die. I am nothing. I can do nothing right. That is his mantra. I am worthless and nothing. Nothing we say can get thru to him. When it starts to maybe get thru he lashes out and push all the right buttons so M attacks back. Nice vicious cycle. He needs severe medical help and he is not willing to go and be honest and get the help he needs. He does not want to be fixed. More than once he has threatened to leave since we obviously dont want him around. That is just another control thing he has. M cant drive, so if he takes the car and leaves she is stranded. He knows that and he uses that card so much. Nice broken record. Anytime someone is upset with him or wants to push him he accuses us of HATING him. We all hate him. If I hated him I would just ignore him and not try to push so hard. M doesnt want to leave him. She cares for him so much. It just tears her up that he WONT try to do anything. He has let his unemployment lapse AGAIN. He has been out of work since Oct, and it took him 2 months to get up the guts with all the pushing to actually get unemployment. His meds have run out more than once, but he doesnt call to get them refilled. She is more his mother than his wife, and it is killing her. It hurts seeing them like they were tonight. His happy have to be the life of the party act wasnt on anymore. He went for the knives and M went and stopped him. He told her he would wait till she was asleep. Thus making sure she wont sleep. Doubtful anyone but him and D will get sleep tonight. He admitted to me that he doesnt want to get help. He wants to just curl up in a hole and die. He wants to kill himself, or have someone else do it for him. I have to realize that until he Decides to get help nothing we can say or do will change that. He is being such a coward. I really thought he had more guts that that. I thought his love for M would push him to not make her feel the ultimate guilt. The guilt of feeling like is she had only done more he would still be alive. I dont think that anymore. He knows that if he dies she will blame herself till she dies and he doesnt care. It doesnt matter to him.
Sometimes I wish I could hate him. I cant. I care about him. I pity him. He has so much good in him that needs the right meds and the right medical help to come out again. He needs straight truth and strong encouragement. Something I dont have the experience to give. He needs good coping mechanisms so his MPD and his 'blank outs' are not the only thing he knows. How to get thru to him though? How to make him actually tell the doctors what is going on? How to make him get out of bed and live? M has been trying for years now. It hasnt been working, and she really doesnt know any other way. They just go thru the same hoops every other day. Making sure to use those triggers to hurt each other.
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no subject
Date: 2002-01-01 12:34 am (UTC)I wish I could help more. Recognizing the MPD may be a start, if you all and M (and me) can learn more about it. My roommate is an integrated MPD and she is willing to talk to either of them. Neither have mentioned it since the late night call several months ago. I tried bring it up several times, but was put off. They have to ask for help. Giving help before someone is ready to accept it is pointless IMO. If he grabbing the knives again. Maybe he needs another visit. This time though since there is no insurance, he will have to go to Central State most likely. If Caritas was a wake up call, Central State might be a kick in the ass. I don't know. Please know I care and I will help in any way I can.
Love and Hugs
SSRIs
Date: 2002-01-01 05:14 am (UTC)A member of the family lost someone close -- a suicide by someone on SSRIs.
Re: SSRIs
Date: 2002-01-01 07:17 am (UTC)Re: SSRIs
Date: 2002-01-01 07:23 am (UTC)http://www.vatkd.com/brandon_ferris.htm
This was my wife's sensei. He was quite an impressive young man.
Re: SSRIs
Date: 2002-01-01 07:29 am (UTC)Re: SSRIs
Date: 2002-01-01 08:20 am (UTC)Re: SSRIs
Date: 2002-01-01 11:43 am (UTC)Re: SSRIs
Date: 2002-01-01 03:47 pm (UTC)