Dad

[demariana]

I figured I could try and do some posts on the subjects flying around in my head today. I got an email from my dad. He is getting remarried, (again). I think this makes #3. My dad just can not be alone. Everytime one woman leaves him he has to find another pronto, and get married. He couldnt even handle being away from my mom for 6 months I think it was. He went out bar hopping, drinking and cheating when he got stationed in WI, and mom couldnt move up there till later. She had to sell the house, and she stayed in KY so I could finish HS I think. Once my mom got up to WI, he didnt change. He would still go out drinking night after night. After the summer of 90 my mom told him to pack up a Uhaul with most everything in it, drive her and my brother back to Ky, she was leaving him. I know that was one of the hardest things my mom has ever done. I have only seen my dad about 5 times since 1990. I rarely email or call. He sends me mostly spam email. He hasnt rememebered a b-day in years, and of course I didnt hold my breath this holiday season about getting anything. I dont even know if he knows my new address or phone number. I think I sent him an email about it. I love my dad, but I dont like or respect him. I just dont care to know about him and his life much. My brother still tries, and I am afraid he will get hurt by dad. I know he doesnt count on him though. Of course my brother did give him a grandchild, something I will never do. My birthday is 1.5 weeks before his. I always wait and see if he remembers mine to see about sending him something. I know if he dies I will probably regret not knowing him more. I just dont like him. I watched him chase my brother down on the street, throw him to the ground and use some of the military holds he learned to subdue him. I think one reason my brother and I didnt get along is because he was always comparing my brother to me, and I was the 'good girl' and my brother was the 'bad boy'. Nothing my brother did was right, because I was better. Really made it hard on us. I think my father is one reason I dont remember much of my childhood. I am very vague about that time. I have this ability to just block out time. I know the basics, but ask me about specific things that should be memorable, and I have no clue. I sometimes have to sit and count back years to make sure I know when something happened. I know I went to college in FL, at Rollins, but dont ask me to remmeber the time there. If you ask about Dorms, classes, teachers, graduating, etc, I will look at you blankly and blink. I just dont retain things. Things that should be important that happened in my life I dont remember. I also think this is one reason I cant keep secrets easily. The specifics of conversations fade. I try to repeat things and repeat them so I dont forget. It helps at times. It is weird though some dates I retain quite well. And most numbers I can remember if I use them once or twice. It feels like my past is something that happened to someone else. Not really a part of me. Just disconnected.