demariana | *Shudders*

I didnt go swimming tonight. I drove to the pool and it looked so crowded. Swim classes were going on and the 2 lanes were kinda full. I just was not up for that. I drove home and called TS to leave a message on her machine. I think I got a dehydration headache today. I knew being around all the kids in a place that echoes really bad was not going to help that headache.

I got home and crawled upstairs into bed. I napped from about 7 till 9. I fully woke up and had to call downstairs to get Jeshua and Caritas to come up and talk to me. I had to find out if they had been upstairs any, or had I bitched them out? I had a VERY real lucid dream when I was napping. It seemed so REAL. Most of it is fading now, but it was scary. They tried to make me feel better but still wanting reassurances that they arent upset about all the mean things I said (in the dream) and everything that was done in the dream.

I still cant cry. I realized recently that I havent cried in awhile. I have wanted to but havent allowed myself that luxury. I have tried to force it when I really wanted to cry and still nothing. The most recent time was today with going home from the Y. I was in my car in the parking lot and just wanted to ball, nothing. It was right there, but no tears. I was in alot of head pain and I couldnt cry the pressure away. I couldnt cry when I was up taking my nap. I am close now, but nothing. Wonder why this is. I use to cry at least twice a month. A good cry helps me.

I hope I am up for the Y tomorrow. I dont want to quit on this. I probably have overdone it the past week. My body decided it needed a day of rest.

Tonight is date night and I am still edgy. What fun.